Not long ago, when the Amazing Sargasso appeared on the Charming Disaster Quarantine Livestream, the Conduit of the Pre-Born was asked if his name was connected to that famed oceanic region the Sargasso Sea.

Now, the simple answer here is that time and causality, for one so intimately and indeed uncomfortably connected with beings of pure Potentiality such as the pre-Born, are more mixed up than a sloppily assembled taco salad at a subpar fast casual lunch establishment. Which came first: the Sargasso or the Sea?

The question, to use a phrase Sargasso himself would happily take credit for if he could get away with it, is moot: indeed, as soon as the question was put to the great Hypnosticator, his answer came straight away: the Sargasso Sea must be restored to its rightful place as the oceanic home of the Hyooallergenic Insittute, the (planned, if not actually constructed) raft-borne “workhouse of the seas” in which the valuable salts and trace elements of Thalassa herself can be sieved and strained from the deeps, repurposed in the production of Sargasso’s Health-Giving Balms and Unguents.

But how to ensure that this fertile “kelp-basket” is truly controlled, cradled, cosseted and coralled by the forces of Embrightenment? A mighty mission of deliverance from — well, that part isn’t entirely clear but let it pass for now — from SOMEONE must be mounted. A WAVE of LIBERATION will rise. A writhing wave. An unstoppable, slithery mass movement of the most noble and doughty creatures who have ere been called into service by human kind.

Thanks to the discovery by an intern on a “tonic bender” of the specific frequency for Total Eel Energy Maximization or TEEM(TM), an array of “Ray Boats” (also known as the Ray Array or the Array Ray or, informally, as the Ar-Ay) scour the open waters, sending the TEEM beams into the deep on a powerful broadcast system cunningly devised from surplus football-shaped clock radios. When these rays encounter an eel’s nervous system they instantly excite that eel’s “rage gland” and fill the creature with the lust for battle. The creatures naturally link up their electrical brains to the broadcast system and begin secreting “battle goo,” a natural unguent that calls others of their kind into the war-swarm.

Thus, the ancient dream of mankind—to control eels and make them into an unstoppable weapon of conquest—has been achieved, not through foolish ritual but through the advances of Hypno-Science.

COMING SOON: The secrets of the Eel Armada!